"Healthy" Eating - Path to Starvation?
- POSTED ON: Aug 21, 2015

Ten Steps
to Eating Perfectly

          by Alden Wicker

1.  They said that fast food executives were turning fat profits by making us fat, so I stopped eating fast food.

2.  They said that killing animals was wrong, so I became a vegetarian.

3.  They said that fertilizer run-off from industrial farming is killing the Gulf of Mexico, the pesticides are killing honeybees, so I started only eating organic.

4.  They said that shipped food is too carbon intensive and not as fresh, so I started eating only local, in-season food.

5.  They said that it was wrong to punish a cow by milking it twice a day, or to steal a chicken’s eggs, so I became a vegan.

6.  They said that the paleo diet would restore my body and make my teeth healthy, so I stopped eating anything cultivated.

7.  They said that cooking food destroys its nutrients, so I starting eating only raw food.

8.  They said that following a macrobiotic regimen would prevent cancer, so I followed it.

9.  They said that I should follow a zero-waste diet, so I stopped buying anything with packaging.

10.  Then, when I showed up at the farmers market in December with my reusable bag looking for local, certified-organic, vegan, unprocessed, uncooked, uncultivated, whole foods, without packaging, that would fit into my macrobiotic diet, I realized that the best thing for the planet, the animals, and my health would be to just stop eating altogether.



Eat Small
- POSTED ON: Aug 13, 2015


Calories Per Serving
- POSTED ON: Aug 10, 2015


Dark Chocolate Is Not Good For You And Also Sucks
- POSTED ON: Aug 09, 2015



 I enjoyed, and agree with, many of the sentiments expressed in this entertaining article.

Warning: Contains language some might find offensive.


Dark Chocolate Is Not Good for You, and Also Sucks.

                    by James Fell

Fuck dark chocolate.

For about a decade, the sales of dark chocolate have soared, regardless of the fact that it tastes like someone melted down a bunch of brown crayons, mixed it with charcoal and then let it solidify into bar form. Why the boost? As a senior VP from Hershey said in 2006 of the 37% spike in sales of their Special Dark, “There are underlying benefits with the consumption of cocoa that give consumers the permission to enjoy chocolate.”

Wait. “Permission to enjoy chocolate”? Just… fuck you.

When I was a kid treats were rare. Cinnamon toast was considered decadent. I remember raiding the cupboards for something sweet and finding dark chocolate and thinking jackpot! But my sister said, “Don’t bother. It says ‘chocolate,’ but it’s really not.

Milk chocolate tastes like diabetes, which is why it’s awesome. Dark chocolate tastes like you’re being punished for only shoveling half the driveway. If someone put dark chocolate in your candy bag at Halloween it was considered a crime akin to giving you a toothbrush, and you would egg the bastard’s house, as was only right and proper.

But a while back someone came up with an idea to market health claims around dark chocolate to drive sales, and now we have scantily-clad, coconut-water drinking Crossfit junkies “treating” themselves with one or two squares of paleo-approved dark chocolate after they do their dehydrated and well-lit butt-thrusted Instagram selfies, because of antioxidants, or something. And how many cheesy health websites have written listicles about “7 Ways that Dark Chocolate Shrink Tumors/Alleviates Adrenal Fatigue/Eases PMS/Cures Ebola”? Too many. It’s almost as annoying as kale or quinoa.

One thing eating dark chocolate can’t cure is sanctimonious proselytizing.

Oh, your dark chocolate only has 70% cacao? You poor thing. I only eat 97% cacao fair trade raw vegan organic helper monkey picked chocolate that’s been through the digestive system of a spotted African cat.”

These people exist. They love to obsess over their meager ration of dark chocolate and feel all holier than Hershey-eating thou because it’s a “healthy” treat, even though it tastes like a bag of smashed badger asses and the heaps of sugar and fat somehow don’t get factored into the health-washing. It’s not too guilty a pleasure because it’s dark. Pair it with a glass of red wine for the resveratrol and you’re bulletproof.

If you genuinely like dark chocolate, fine. Move along.

But if you’re buying into the health-washing while rationing nibbles ...

The Mouse Trap Diet
- POSTED ON: Aug 02, 2015


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